What If...?

A few days ago I was rummaging through my closet trying to find anything that may need to be dry cleaned. During my search, I ran across something I haven’t seen in years… that in itself is absolutely amazing because I just recently moved a few months ago, so I should have seen it at some point during the process packing or unpacking… but I didn’t. It appears to have been hidden between some old dress shirts that I haven’t worn in years. In retrospect, I probably should have taken it to get dry cleaned when I found it because if I remember correctly, the last time I had it on I think I may have accidentally got some traces of hydronium (the cation that naturally occurs in water) on it… actually it was probably a weak acid monohydrate produced from ionization by the hydronium. I think if it were pure hydronium, it would have eaten away at it over the years.

Oh, “it” was a white lab coat. My mom got it for me early on in college, back at a time when I had plans on studying to becoming a doctor. I’m not really sure what specifically derailed me from that path. Perhaps it was a mixture of loneliness, depression, alcohol, etc… Whatever the reason, I’m clearly not a doctor at moment. I do wonder “what if” sometimes, more so recently over the last several weeks. The fact of the matter is that I don’t have to wonder “what if”; I’m still young enough to return to that path that I abandoned years ago.

I’m very conflicted on what to do though. When I put the white lab coat on and look in the mirror, I see the person that I should be. What’s holding me back from becoming that person? I definitely have the mind for it… I don’t really have a personal life, so I won’t really be sacrificing that… I do have a powerful drive (sometimes beyond even my control) to be the best… so why don’t I just do it? Maybe it’s because I feel that there are times in life you mess something up so much that it can never be fixed… maybe I’m beyond repairing what I’ve already damaged in my life.