Sunday, June 05, 2005

Time Is Not On My Side

It’s amazing… time that is. Without any regard to what’s happening, it keeps ticking. It’s so cold and unforgiving. I’ve been sitting here for last several minutes, watching the clock.

How many more minutes will my heart endure the loneliness it’s always felt? I feel lucky to be mortal… I only have a finite number of minutes that my tormented soul must continue to survive.

When it’s finally over, then what? Oblivion would be a peace I’ve never know. Hell would simply be a vacation compared to what my tortured heart and soul have sustained in life.

I’ve never really meant much to anyone, nor will I ever it seems. Always the friend… this is the role that life has given me. I must have played it so well early on in life that I’ve been type-cast to continue playing it until my dying hour. So be it. Perhaps I'm simply unfit to be anything more. Maybe there's something so terribly wrong with me that I'll never even deserve an opportunity or a chance to be anything more than a "good time" or a friend. It's been this way with so many people, the problem must be with me. Well, whatever the reason, the fact remains that I'm alone, I've always been alone, and probably always will be alone. I guess I'm destined to just having physical relationships or just being the friend... nothing more. The only positive of this is that I know never to expect anything more... this way, I'm never really let down or disappointed.

What I find most disturbing is the fact that I’ve grown accustom to feeling this way deep down. I don’t show it (I try not to show it)... why should others share my misery? I try to bury it, to forget about it. Most of the time I can… it’s just hard to do when everything is so quiet, and I sit here all alone just thinking.

So I will go to bed now, tears and all… when I wake in the morning, I’ll start a brand new day and try to make the best of it. I’ll put on my smile, try to make some people smile and laugh, maybe even try to do something productive while on vacation… hopefully I’ll be reflecting on a great day this time tomorrow. My finest day is yet unknown… I just wish I didn’t end this one feeling so depressed and alone.


Troy said...

Please remain optimistic we never know when opportunities approach, you need to allow yourself to come into an agreeance. Not that you agree that you will always play the role of the friend but that there is a person out there waiting for you. How is anybody allowed to come along if you dont fully allow yourself to be with them? I dont have the answers but I see contradictions that is why I think you arent getting what you want.

Frank said...

Well of course there are contradictions! There's a constant conflict between my mind and heart... between what I know to be true vs. what I feel to be true. My mind is level-headed and logical... my heart is spirited and irrational.

lgl said...

just to set the record straight i had a huge crush on you xmas break of 1999. so there!

Frank said...

LOL! I don't even remember xmas break of 1999. I was probably wasted! :-)