Monday, August 29, 2005

Kill Them With Kindness!

Yeah, it seems like I’ve been at work for quite awhile lately… let’s see, I was there for about 20 hours yesterday… came home and stared at the ceiling for about 2 hours… got up, took a shower, and headed back to work! I left an entire hour early today, so I feel that makes up for me having to live there more or less over the last 2 weeks.

Shortly before I leave, Beverlee snagged a true asshole customer. Essentially, he was very rude and obscene with her and others in the store. First off, I usually do what I can to make the customer happy… unless they’re an asshole, which this guy was.

I actually love to deal with pissed off people. Most of the time, if they listen to what I have to say and can remain calm, they usually walk out quite happy with what I can do for them. And then there are the asshole jackass customers, who I feel it’s my duty and responsibility to stand up against! I won’t ever let them get their way! It’s the price they pay for being an asshole, and sometimes it’s a high price they have to pay for the lesson I have to give them!

I’ve found that in my experience with pissed off customers, one thing that I can do to escalate their anger is to be completely polite and even sweet to them. It’s so much easier if I were to go up and be an asshole right back to the customer… it gives them some sort of sick justification that they’re right… I never give them this satisfaction!

He wanted us to waive a 15% restocking fee on two open monitors… normally, this isn’t really a big issue… we’ll just waive it… but again, not for assholes! So I go up to meet the jackass customer to see what I can do…

Me: Hello! How are you doing today? Is there anything I can help you with? (In my sweetest demeanor no less!)

Jackass Customer: Screw you guys! I don’t care if you charge me a restocking fee or not! I’ll never shop here again! There’s nothing you can do!

Me: Is there anything I can help you with? (Even more polite and engaging now now)

Jackass Customer: No god damnit! You’ll never get my business and I’m going to make sure you all pay for this!

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way. Well, if there’s nothing I can do to save your business, then I think we’ll go ahead and charge you that 15% restocking fee. Thanks for coming in! (I should have won an academy award for my stellar performance... I was over the top overtly delightful and polite!)

Before he leaves the store, Beverlee asks if he’d like our corporate number… he responded rudely that he already had it… then he stormed out.

He then proceeded to drive around to the back of our store to our Roadshop. He asked Keith, the assistant roadshop manager, if he could get our corporate number. Keith called Beverlee to get it (seems that the jackass could have saved some time by getting it from her in the first place.)

About 15 minutes later, I get a phone call… it’s Mr. Jackass Customer again!

Jackass Customer: Hey, Frank… I’m that guy that was in your store awhile ago returning two monitors.

Me: Ah, yes… how are you doing today? (Still very polite)

Jackass Customer: I just faxed over twenty thousand dollars worth of receipts to your corporate office so that they could see the customer they were losing.

Me: Wonderful. They always enjoy hearing from satisfied customers! (I was surprised… I didn’t even sound sarcastic!)

Jackass Customer: Oh yeah… well you need to work on your customer service skills! (Now getting very upset because I refuse to get angry and fight with him.) You just go ahead and keep pushing papers and maybe one day you’ll be somebody important!

Me: Thank you very much! I appreciate your advice! (Sounding very grateful… still surprised that I was able to get it out without sounding sarcastic with such ease!)

Jackass Customer: (Now extremely mad because even insulting me isn’t getting a rise out of me!) Oh yeah… well I just got off the phone with American Express, and they’re going to reverse the charges!

Me: Congratulations! Sounds like you’re having a fantastic day! Feel free to call back anytime if there’s anything else I can do for you! Thanks for shopping with us!

Jackass Customer: (Slams phone!)

In conclusion, assholes thrive on the indulgences of society's understanding... they must be fought without hesitation or remorse!


Mad Munkey said...

Sounds like a textbook case. You did great.

Nameless said...

I love it! I found that when they realize they can't get you to react it's urks them even more than if you argued with them. Whatever it takes to ruin their day is what I say.