Sunday, July 24, 2005

Consumed In Darkness

I used to remember a time when I dreamed of a future where I would be happy with my life. I used to have such optimism in my heart… perhaps I still do, it’s just so much more painful nowadays. I miss those times… all I see now is darkness. I’ve managed to engineer a domain of misery that I can’t escape. I just want it to end. I’m through of wishing for happiness… I know that’s just a dream.

Once several years ago (I think I was 17 years old at the time), my mom came down with a horrible migraine. I drove her to the hospital and they drugged her up nicely! She was totally incoherent. On the way back home, she told me something that I always had suspected… she told me how my grandmother would always tell her how much happiness I bring them and that she’s always so relieved that my mom never had the abortion with me that she had scheduled months before I was born. I know she didn’t even realize what she had told me… she was way too drugged up with morphine to have any inhibitions on things she should or shouldn’t say. I’m sure she doesn’t even have a clue that I know now.

The fact of the matter is that I wish sometimes that she would have just had the abortion. I’m sure she’d have a much happier life. I love my mother, but I feel that I’m the root cause of so much of the pain in her life. She and everyone else I’ve ever known would be much better off if I never existed. I’m just a burden. I don’t know how I could ever bring any happiness to anyone’s life… I can’t even make myself happy! I’m no good to anyone, especially myself. I just feel so worthless and unwanted! I wish the darkness would consume me... erase me from existence!

Maybe I’m just tired or need some artificial happiness (caffeine – artificial life and happiness.) I hate feeling this way! It usually emerges when I’m extremely tired, but can’t sleep (like now.) Hopefully after some sleep, I’ll feel more like myself… just mostly miserable, not completely miserable.

8 comments:

Victor said...

I see. Funny i guess im not the only one. Anyways, if you feel like you cant carry on, take yourself out, or better yet take some people out with you.

drunkbh said...

Don't listen to him. The sad fact is that you are the only one that can make yourself happy. People try to achieve some unobtainable level of happiness and then they get depressed when they fail. Life sucks. I'm sure that you have people that you bring joy to everyday. Your posts always make me laugh. :>)

celtgirl said...

You are a great and giving person. You bring joy to every SINGLE life you touch. I can totally relate to how you feel it's all your fault. But the truth is - you are a blessing and we love you and we don't want a life without you. I don't know when your depression hit, but I think you need to seek some help - I know it's a little cliche - however, it did help me when I had all that crap to deal with. I probably should have kept going, but I thought I could do it on my own. Sometimes I can, sometimes I need help.
You need to build a support system for when you are slipping into the dark. I'm here whenever you need me.

Frank said...

Thanks drunkbh and Mary... you guys are great!

My depression doesn't come and go... it's always present. It's just more difficult to hold at bay sometimes.

lgl said...

I love you with all of my heart and cant even imagine how sad I would be if you wernt in it. =~~~~~~~~~~[ It makes me cry just to think about.

I honestly never really thought it was a good idea that you just up and quit your meds. You said yourself at the time that they really helped you. I wish you would consider them again. Lord knows mine make all of the difference for me... (I really worry about what is gonna happen to me when I get preg and go off the meds for 9 months!)

Ron said...

I know what you need...a Danza slap! Josh, you gonna step up and help out your friend?

Victor said...

NO , to stop all pain u must endure ultimate pain.... If you die, you'll still cause pain to those who love you. So either way ur fucked, just keep on living one day at a time.

Mad Munkey said...

I've read to this point in your blog (from the top) and it's obvious you make a difference to a lot of people. This must be the topic of the week. Come read about my own crystal ball. I just have one question (well two) for you. Do you want to die? Do you have a plan? You don't have to answer me, but if the answer to either or both of these questions is yes, click on one of the links at the end of the post I directed you to above. Please.