Friday, May 20, 2005

The Battle Within

Sometimes, when I'm tired especially, I just simply feel broken... feel that no one will ever really care or love me. There's so many things to be happy for (which I am); however, there's a part of me that simply enjoys pain. Not inflicting pain on others, just myself. I don't know why. I think it's a manufacturer's defect that no longer has any repair coverage... something I simply have to deal with.

I am genuinely happy with my life, I just sometimes can't escape the problems within. There's always a power struggle inside... the good typically wins, but the bad does have an occasional victory.

Josh once told me that I put myself in situations that I know won't work out so that I have an excuse to be miserable. I hope that's not true! He has also suggested that I stay away from love as it will only weaken my heart. I don't believe that though... I feel that surviving and coping with heartache has actually made me much stronger over the years!

I am optimistic that I will one day experience the great parts of love, and not just the pain (I think I got that part down pretty well now! LOL!) :-)


Anonymous said...

I once read a book about how we become addicted to unhappiness. I think there are reasons in all of us why we arent reaching for the goals that we want. Im sure mostly because of fear but it isnt that simple. I wish I had the answers but I know there are answers for each of us, we just have to search our asses off to find them, hehe *HUGS*

Anonymous said...

That last comment was from me! Im not unknown!

Troy said...

Damn it I posted those comments and they should be under my name!

lgl said...

"Josh once told me that I put myself in situations that I know won't work out so that I have an excuse to be miserable."

... On a spiritual level I think we all have placed ourselves in the positions that we do so we can learn whatever it is we need to learn in this life.

... I think it is good to remain positive and open. As far as the world of love goes, you *never* know who you are going to meet when you least expect is, so remaining open is key!