Tuesday, May 24, 2005

When Things Fall Apart

I am so exhausted... physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not only that, I'm tired of feeling this way! It's getting old! I have so much to be grateful for (and I am), but this year has just not been the best.

Work just isn't what it used to be. I used to love being there... now I can't stand it. The powers that be (district and regional management) are no good at all. They're horrible! I've lost all of my confidence in the company simply because of the irresponsible things that they have done over the last few months. They make some of the worst decisions ever. It's almost as if they're purposely trying to tank the company. So needless to say, I'm at a point where I absolutely hate my job!

Socially, I don't get to hang out with my friends very often, as usual. I'm not seeing anyone, as usual. I'm so lonely. Do I drive people away? I always try to be there when others need help, I just wish I had someone that could be there for me too. I wish I had someone I could be close to and feel safe with. I've convinced myself that perhaps I'm simply undeserving of love, or even that I'm not meant to have anyone special in my life... I understand that is stupid and incorrect, but it's also has helped my broken heart survive (in an admittedly unhealthy way). I haven't been able to cry in a few years, but I feel that I could right now.

I try to have a positive outlook on things each day, and most of the time I feel fine. I'm just finding that it's getting more and more difficult each day to be happy. I feel that life has nothing more to show me. Something has to change! I don't know what though. I've recently been thinking about just packing up and leaving. Starting over from scratch somewhere far away.

Deep inside, my heart still is optimistic... at the same time, my heart is all torn up. I feel so broken. I don't know what to believe anymore. Anyway, all that being said, I'm still going to try to have a wonderful day and an awesome week! I hope something great can happen this year!


Siren said...

Why are you so depressed?? I think everyone goes through phases of depression. And I know EXACTLY how you feel when you think no one really cares about you! I think you'll get over it though. Maybe some cocktails would help!!

Troy said...

As I've been taught we never know why we think the way we do or the actions we make. We just do them. Knowing why is not the answer, finding a solution to the problem is the answer. Frank you are capable of being loved, you've proved that time and time again. I wish I could give all the lonely hearts their soulmate. Sometimes starting over, redesigning your whole thought process about life is a good approach. Do things you never thought you would do, take care of #1, you, no one else.

Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! »