Thursday, May 26, 2005

I Need More Strength

OK... I should be in bed again... instead I am pacing and thinking. Today I haven't eaten as much as I should have, I can't really sleep at all, my body aches (in all fairness, probably from the gym), I have a general feeling of light-headedness, yet am smiling all the while. My heart feels like it is fluttering, my stomach is rolling, yet my soul is flying with anticipation, excitement, hope, and fear (I'm obviously quite confused). I am paid to be a leader and communicator, yet I am unable to put together a few simple words for fear that they won't be right. Bigger yet, the fear they won't be received well.

I am a very practical guy... I like to have control over things... I like to make decisions without being dictated by emotion. I hate when emotions are completely overwhelming - I'm just not accustom to it. I prefer to have my wits about me! I'm supposed to be a tamer of armies (or so some would say, LOL)... why do I feel like such a little punk!? Heh!

I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much to get where I am... to have a stable career (somewhat)... to have financial freedom (to a large degree)... to be independent and confident (most of the time). But recently, I feel like a fish flopping around on the deck of a boat... not knowing if the next move by others will be to mercifully throw me back in the water, even more mercifully to stomp me on the head, or do nothing and let me continue not breathing.

If I were to discover absolute perfection that would make my time on this earth complete, I feel I may not possess the courage to lay it on the line and express the tremendous emotional rush I've been feeling inside. My entire world and my entire being could change with just a few words.

Too many decisions! I need my focus back... I don't know if I can afford to make too many more mistakes... my heart can't take anymore! I really just need to find a book of answers - all the answers in the world! LOL! :-)

1 comment:

lgl said...

focus schmocus - dont you harp on me for spending too much time thinking about tomorrow when i could be living today? six feet under had a great line, tomorrow is just an illusion that keeps us from living today. and on that note, when are we going to have fun together? =[ I havent seen you in a long time!